Good poster, crap poster #2: Bank heists

GOOD BANK HEIST FILM POSTERS:

You don't get much cooler than this. It's simple, eye-catching and effective, and evocative of Michael Mann's ultra-blue-tinged masterpiece. Plus you have Pacino and DeNiro together, which adds extra cred (until Righteous Kill came along, anyway). I'm not a huge fan of Val Kilmer being shoved in the middle there, but I reckon this still works quite nicely.

One of a few posters for Ben Affleck's excellent The Town, this one is probably the best of the bunch, even though I'm personally not mad keen on it (this is about GOOD posters, not brilliant ones). The shot from the film is intriguing, and the tagline is a strong one. Like the Heat poster, not so stunning you'd want to frame it, but it captures the mood of the film well.

This second one for The Town has the old "floating head" cliche, but the mood and lighting work well enough in its favour so that you don't mind so much.


CRAP BANK HEIST FILM POSTERS:

I'm not sure if this third one for The Town is part of the studio's official marketing strategy or just a "teaser" poster, but either way it doesn't work. It's going for an "Angelina Jolie moody side shot from Wanted" look, but unfortunately ol' Ben can't carry it off, and the whole thing looks like it's been pasted together in a few minutes.


But, of course, that's a masterpiece compared to...

This one is particularly notorious around Photoshop "FAIL" circles, and it's clear to see why. Pretty much horrid on every level, from the lame tagline, the way the lighting falls on the actors' faces from all directions, the fact that the designer has obviously pasted heads onto other people's bodies (and in most cases, such as with Paul Walker, not very well) to the general crumminess of the concept. And that line down the bottom - "taking theaters soon"? Absolutely awful. They should stop doing that sort of thing: "hitting cinemas soon" and "smashing its way into theaters this fall" and all that. It's not clever, it's irritating.


By the way, I have no idea if this reflects the general quality or mood of the film itself, but based on this poster I have no desire to see it, and if it does, then I would assume the film Takers is a Heat-wannabe with actors' heads CGI-ed onto other actors' bodies, with a script that is a humongous pile of shit.


This second one for Takers is somewhat better, but that's like saying stomach cancer is better than bone cancer. And it still has Hayden Christiansen's awful headwear:

And what are those cops aiming at? Why does one look like he's taking a dump in his pants?

Review Listing

0-9

A
Apocalypse Now (1979)

B

C

D

E

F

G

H

I

J

K

L
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001)

M
Machete (2010)

N

O


P


Q


R


S


T


U


V


W


X


Y


Z
Zodiac (2007)

Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001)

Directed by Simon West
Starring Angelina Jolie, Jon Voight, Daniel Craig, Iain Glen, Chris Barrie, Noah Taylor
Written by Patrick Massett and John Zinman
Produced by Lawrence Gordon, Lloyd Levin and Colin Wilson
Music by Graeme Revell


It really wouldn’t have been that hard to make this a decent adventure film on par with something like The Mummy. After all, no one was expecting an adventure on par with Raiders of the Lost Ark. But something Mummy quality, even The Mummy Returns? Sadly for all involved, ingredients seemed to be in place, but something got screwed up along the way.

Mr. Brittas was not at all pleased with the "new" Whitbury Leisure Centre

The ridiculously-proportioned Lara Croft was the star of a popular series of video games which apparently got crummier as the series went along. The games were basically an excuse to attract the lucrative teenage boy market and create a boom for one-handed controllers. In the lookout for a new viable film franchise, the makers decided that the complex storylines and deep characterisation present in the original...ah, whatever. For two hours, they figured they'd put a pair of tits on screen and count the money that rolled in.


Like I’ve said, the ingredients seemed to be there. You had a character which should translate nicely from game to screen. The simplicity of the source material made it perfect for an adventure romp. They have a perfect lead for Lara Croft in Angelina Jolie, who does her best but ultimately the retarded story, the idiotic MacGuffin (a mystical triangle) and some dumb choices hamstring the film. The action scenes aren't too badly staged, but the makers decided they couldn’t have Croft shoot any bad guys or kill them directly. For example, instead of Croft going all Chow Yun-Fat on a bunch of baddies and emptying a bunch of clips in their heads, they have her shoot something that drops a weight on their head, or she incapacitates them with some object within reach. For God’s sake, just let her shoot or stab someone! Obviously they wanted to get a PG-13 rating for the US market, but for crying out loud, Indiana Jones gets to shoot and stab and maim people in his series, so why not here? Is this some sort of discrimination thing? It’s okay for Indy to shoot people, but not a female adventurer? Thankfully, this annoying issue was dropped for the sequel.

The three stars of Lara Croft: Tomb Raider

It’s a shame because the potential is there. Jolie is great in the lead role, and let's be honest, without her this film would have been nigh-on unbearable. It's nice to see Daniel Craig in an early role, but the main bad guy is a bit of a wet fish. Sure, there are far better action films out there, but if you want to waste two hours I guess you could do worse.


Best bit
for the lads, Jolie's shower scene; for the gals...um...did I mention Daniel Craig is in this?


Iconic moment
if anything I guess there's a shot of Jolie with her dual pistols in there somewhere


Worst bit
the statue warriors are pretty naff


Best line
"I woke up this morning and I just hated everything!"


Best performance
has to be Angelina, without whom this would have been a very sorry film indeed


MVP
again, Angelina Jolie virtually saves this dud


What would have made this better
more actual TOMB RAIDING, cut out the robot and the statues, make the bad guy more memorable, and let Lara shoot people for God's sake!


What would have made this worse
replace Angelina Jolie with Lindsay Lohan


Companion film
presumably the sequel The Cradle of Life until the remake comes out


What to watch instead
any of the Indiana Jones movies, even the fourth one


If you liked this...
catch Jolie in Wanted, a far superior action film that at least has a sense of humour


Pros
+ Angelina is a perfect Lara Croft
+ some half-decent action scenes
+ some of the cinematography is quite nice
+ um, that's about it


Cons
- too much CGI crap
- the main villain is weak
- stupid story and a lame MacGuffin
- Lara seemingly can't shoot people


Rating on the Harrison Ford/Indiana Jones level of grumpy-but-lovable adventurer:

Machete (2010)

Starring Danny Trejo, Jessica Alba, Jeff Fahey, Michelle Rodriguez, Don Johnson, Steven Seagal, Cheech Marin, Lindsay Lohan, Robert DeNiro
Written by Robert Rodriguez and Alvaro Rodriguez
Music by John Debney and Carl Thiel


Look at that cast - Trejo in his first starring role! DeNiro as a sleazy right-wing senator! Alba, Rodriguez (and even Lohan) in various stages of undress! Johnson, Marin, Fahey and Seagal all together (along with makeup legend Tom Savini, for God's sake)! Look at the concept - Trejo, a former Mexican Federale (apparently an awesome Mexican version of a SWAT member/FBI agent/commando/whatever-else-hardarse there is rolled into one), is hired to assassinate racist senator John McLaughlin (DeNiro) but finds he is framed for the shooting and ends up taking bloody revenge. Look at some of the scenes - decapitations, stabbings, bloody shootings, disembowlments, and a cavalcade of other atrocities!


So why didn't I love this like I should have?

Machete had some compelling arguments about the US/Mexico immigration situation

It's an extremely messy film. After a beautifully executed opening scene which introduces us to a kick-arse Machete and his arch-rival (drug lord Torrez played by a ballooning Seagal) which involves plenty of gratuitous gore and nudity in the classic grindhouse tradition, I was all set for a brainless romp. Unfortunately there are way too many characters and subplots which are either messily tied together or, in the case of a few characters, not at all. This should have been a straightforward revenge film, but instead we get tortuous scenes involving a lifeless Alba as an immigration official, and way too much stuff about the US/Mexico immigration situation which, apt as it might be for the setting, gets in the way of Rodriguez producing a braindead action-fest. And the film never reaches the heights of the opening scene. In fact, the finale is so lackluster you might have thought that the budget had run out halfway through the film and everyone was just going through the motions without a paycheck.


Machete started as a fake trailer for the Rodriguez/Tarantino two-parter Grindhouse. That's where it probably should have stayed. The trailer was glorious. It speculated on a film that was never meant to be; the rest of it could have been played out in our heads and that would have been fine. But in adhering to what has come before in the fake trailer, Machete itself feels hamstrung. Even the memorable shot of Machete jumping a motorcycle equipped with a mini-gun which worked so well in the trailer falls flat in the feature film.

The CGI Steven Seagal was done quite well, almost as good as Gollum

Rodriguez needed to simplify, bring Machete back to the basics: Trejo maiming people indiscriminately, and seeking bloody justice against a cache of scumbags. When he does this in the film, it's done reasonably well. Unfortunately there's a lot of other needless stuff getting in the way. It's not terrible, it's just not what it could (and should) have been, considering the talent involved.


Best bit
the opening scene where Machete raids a house


Iconic moment
should have been the motorcycle-with-minigun-jump but I'd actually go with the hospital-intestine jump


Worst bit
Jessica Alba's cringeworthy speech


Best line
"Machete don't text"


Best performance
Danny Trejo - stony-faced, dispensing justice with nary a quip


MVP
again, Danny Trejo, finally getting top billing after years of supporting roles


What would have made this better
cut out Jessica Alba, Lindsay Lohan and probably even Don Johnson's characters, streamline the story, weave the illegal immigration debate more subtly into the story, amp up the finale


What would have made this worse
cut out Machete's character altogether and focus on the adventures of Jessica Alba's immigration character


Companion film
Spy Kids...seriously, look it up


What to watch instead
for a proper faux-grindhouse experience, Hobo with a Shotgun


If you liked this...
you should probably watch the two-parter Grindhouse for the complete experience if you haven't already


Pros
+ Trejo, Seagal, DeNiro, Fahey, Rodriguez, Marin and Savini all in the same film
+ some action scenes are nicely executed
+ there's plenty of blood, guts and boobs for the discerning viewer
+ Trejo getting a starring role


Cons
- the final fight between Machete and Torrez falls flat, as does the entire finale for that matter
- too much of Jessica Alba's character
- Lindsay Lohan's character and her "revelation" feels ridiculous and out of place
- too many characters and subplots, not enough revenge
- heavy-handed messages about illegal immigration
- loses pace and energy after the first half hour or so


Rating on the William Sanderson/Jessie Lee Kane level of grindhouse sleaziness:

Good poster, crap poster #1: Rom-Coms

I love movie posters. Correction: I love good movie posters. Posters that are eye-catching, carry across the theme of the movie with a few simple visual cues, inventive and not too busy. I'll be taking a look at some and comparing posters from particular genres.


GOOD ROM-COM POSTER:

Okay, this isn't exactly one that should be wall-mounted or anything like that, but it's a clever use of the screen credits and inventive enough to get around the fact that you have Katherine Heigl in the movie. Plus there's no annoying tagline, other than the "Always a bridesmaid, never a bride" which is tastefully woven into her credit-dress. Simple, clean, effective.


CRAP ROM-COM POSTER: 

Visually I suppose it's a bit striking (what with the violent-yellow theme going on) but otherwise this is pretty rubbish. First, you have Lindsay Lohan, which is enough of a sin, and she's pretty badly Photoshopped in this one (and that has to be a stunt-arse, to boot). I suppose it presents the theme of the movie pretty clearly (I'm guessing that she's either pregnant or pretending to be pregnant - I don't much care which) but it in no way compels me to want to see the film (okay, it's a chick-flick, sure, but faced with this one and the poster above, I'd much rather see 27 Dresses). And the tagline is shit: "Some stories just keep on growing"? I assume that means she lies about being pregnant and the lie gets out of control. Still, it's simply awful. And what's with the glow around Lohan? Is it a crystal meth sort of afterglow?


x Lindsay Lohan
x Too yellow
x Too much Photoshopping
x Shit tagline


Alternate tagline: "So hilarious it's a miscarriage of justice!"