Hell of the Living Dead (1980)

Directed by Bruno Mattei
Starring Margit Newton, Franco Garofalo, Jose Gras, Gabriel Renom
Written by Jose Maria Cunilles, Claudio Fragasso
Produced by Isabel Mula
Music by Goblin and others

WARNING: Do NOT see this film if you have an appreciation for the zombie genre and want to see something that is at least on a par with the genre's semi-decent efforts like the remake of Dawn Of The Dead or, hell, even Zombi Holocaust. Only see this film if you have a sense of humour, enjoy "so-bad-they're-good" movies and films that contain scene after scene of jaw-dropping ineptness and idiocy.

"Hmm, maybe you're right, that suit is a little too tight..."

Hell of the Living Dead is hilariously inept in almost every way, save the use of music lifted from better films, most notably the far (far, far far!) superior original Dawn Of The Dead, which Hell liberally and consistently rips off every chance it gets. Absolutely nothing works in this piece of stillborn dreck - the acting is stupefying, the editing abysmal, the special effects are, for the most part, laughably pathetic, and the dialogue is on par with your typical Ed Wood film. Almost every scene screams ineptitude, for example:

- 'Scientists' in white labcoats spout inane gibberish like "how's the linear momentum?" and "check the component ratios for the module" whilst attacking 70's sci-fi panel controls that do nothing
- A scientist bemoans the fact that their geiger counter is "going crazy", but only after clearly turning the meter's dial to the right and thereby ensuring the needle moves to the right (this is before a rat easily slips into their supposedly protective radiation suits)
- There are lines of the quality: "Buildings have people in them, we'd better go investigate" and "She may not know much about chemestry, but in bed, her reactions are terrific" (!)
- The SWAT team, strongly reminiscent of the team in Romero's Dawn, act like they've never handled a gun before (clearly they haven't) and take on the most ridiculous postures and "sweeps" of enemy-laden territories
- Time and time again characters stare goggle-eyed at incoming zombie hordes and don't run, fight back or do ANYTHING - even the supposed trained SWAT team can't understand the concept of shooting them in the head, and have to be INSTRUCTED by one of the team members (the lunatic one) to go for the head, not the body
- A dead body hanging from the roof ejects blood out of her mouth on cue as instructed by the director
- The lead female gets naked and paints herself like a reject from Live And Let Die in order to infiltrate a Papua New Guinea tribe; a pointless move as it turns out
- There are countless scenes of stock footage interspersed throughout, of monkeys, storks, natives, owls (!) and elephants (!!)
- One of the SWAT team members gets killed prancing around in a tutu and top hat
- Zombies either move unbelievably slow, to the point of catatonia, or fast, like the granny or the zombie who flies out of nowhere at the end
- Characters who have survived the entire film for some reason throw all caution into the wind at the end so they end up like fodder

The critics' reaction to Hell of the Living Dead was hostile.

And so on. On top of it all, the dubbing is dreadful and the gore for the most part is woeful; the film also feels about an hour too long. As a zombie horror film, Hell of the Living Dead is a trainwreck. As an unintentional comedy, it's passable. As a textbook example for film students as how to get everything wrong, it's invaluable.

Best bit
so many "best" moments to choose from - I'll go with the ridiculous tutu and top hat scene

Iconic moment
the sort of iconic moment that summarises the idiocy of this film? - the SWAT team's ASSault on the US embassy

Worst bit
this is relatively speaking, of course, in a film engorged with "worst bits" -

Best line
"She may not know much about chemestry, but in bed, her reactions are terrific!"

Best performance
Margit Newton's breasts

MVP
the guy who filmed all that stock footage

What would have made this better
any semblance of filmmaking skill

What would have made this worse
the ending that informed us it was "all a dream"; a four-hour director's cut

Companion film
the almost equally lame Nightmare City

What to watch instead
why not the original magnum opus this so clearly rips off - Romero's Dawn of the Dead

If you liked this...
you have a preference for "bad cinema" and should immediately watch The Room

Pros
+ Goblin's music
+ a couple of gore scenes are fairly executed (only a couple, mind you)
+ it's hilarious if you're drunk
+ some scenes and lines are unintentional comedy gold

Cons
- too long, and some scenes are much too drawn out
- too much stock footage which clashes badly with the rest of the film
- the acting and dubbing is atrocious
- the script is woeful and has some truly appalling dialogue
- the gore is mostly pretty lame and cheap
- almost every scene has something stupefying in it (move this to Pros if you like)
- virtually all scenes are poorly shot, lit and/or staged
- massively rips off Dawn of the Dead

Rating on the David Emge/Zombie Roger level of cinematic shamblers:

Catwoman (2004)

Directed by Pitof
Starring Halle Berry, Sharon Stone, Benjamin Bratt
Written by John Brancato, Michael Ferris and John Rogers
Produced by Denise Di Novi, Edward McDonnell
Music by Klaus Badelt

Sometimes a movie comes along on a wave of such negativity that it's impossible to determine whether it's simply hyperbole or in fact actually warranted. Universally panned by critics, ignored by moviegoers, Catwoman has built such a reputation of shit that you can't watch it without some sort of preconceived opinion. This is what I felt when I started to watch it. I had heard all the horror stories. This is the film that swept the Razzies, the film for which Halle Berry herself turned up to accept her Razzie award as Worst Actress. I had read positively scathing reviews that were so vitriolic you'd think the film had been responsible for the Holocaust. So I went into this with incredibly low expectations. If the movie had turned out to be bad but unintentionally hilarious (much like The Wicker Man remake) then I would have come away with the feeling that this was simply a poor film that got unfairly lambasted. But my low - nay, virtually non-existent - expectations weren't met in the slightest. This is one film that truly does live up to its awful reputation.

Halle Berry is a graphic designer called Patience Phillips (!) who works at this twatty company called Beau-Line (!!) and gets killed, then is revived by a magical cat (!!@&#!). This prompts her to get into the crime-fighting business...wearing the worst superhero costume ever conceived by man. She fights Sharon Stone, who has ended up being the CEO of Beau-Line. Like it matters. Catwoman is so bad it's like being punched in the face by a boxer with shards of glass embedded in his knuckles, then dipping your head in chili sauce. The film does NOTHING right. Let's look at the most obvious problems...

Even a surreptitious handjob from Halle Berry couldn't
keep Benjamin Bratt's attention on the scene.

1. It's directed by some French guy whose name is Pitof. Now, going by anything McG has directed in the past, you should be wary of any directors with singular names. They are a definite warning sign of crapness. This guy thinks that overedited action scenes that make Michael Bay's style look aenimic is a good thing. Cuts in fight scenes happen practically every second in a failed bid to make it look fast and exciting (and hide the fact that none of the actors can do their own stunts or fight scenes). It is almost unbearable. Pitof also likes long swooping shots over and around the city. Unfortunately they look like cheap CGI that fucked other cheap CGI and had a retarded CGI child. I assume the producers hired Pitof because of some TV commercials he directed, I bet that's his background. You can just tell. Anyway, he's crap and hopefully his career is dead in the water.

2. The CGI. Truly this was some diabolically bad shit. I've seen better computer effects in the intro movies from a ten-year old PC computer game. They've gone the route of Spider-Man in having a CGI character nip around the place, but it looks horrid. Not for one moment was I convinced this was Halle Berry running up walls and along buildings. In the scene where Berry is revived by a gaggle (or whatever the collective description is) of cats, they use a CGI cat to walk along, over her prone body and breathe life into her. Now, surely they could have filmed a real cat doing this (okay, maybe not where it breathes life into her, but why the hell couldn't they get a real cat for the scenes where it's WALKING along?) I mean, it's not like cats are on the endangered species list, for God's sake.

3. The acting. Halle may have the looks, but the way she plays this role (and as Catwoman in particular) suggests she was either high on drugs through the shoot or not high enough. Michelle Pfeiffer's turn as Catwoman in Batman Returns worked; she played the role with the right mix of camp and sexiness. But any time Berry purrs or makes some other cat-like noise, you just want to bludgeon yourself to death with a jar of your own sick. And the supporting cast suck too. Not that they could have saved this.

4. Catwoman. Face it, the character's a bit lame. But she can work when the ingredients are right, and when she's not the star of her own film. I reckon the character only works in limited amounts. Somehow the filmmakers managed to make the ridiculously good-looking Halle Berry look crap in this. Her outfit is like some lame S&M outfit that not even the most nihilistic moron would dare wear out in the open.

5. The script. There's a conspiracy involving cosmetic makeup which causes long-term damage to consumers. There's a plot twist involving Sharon Stone's character which is so ridiculous you'll wish you had killed yourself beforehand. You have a guy who's supposed to be a cop who has all this evidence thrust in his face suggesting Berry's character is Catwoman: mysterious disappearances, handwriting evidence, stolen jewelry made into cat claws found IN HER APARTMENT, and he's still not sure. I swear, if all cops were as clueless as this guy you could go out and murder anyone you liked with no fear of being caught unless you carved your name and address into the victim’s forehead.

6. Everything else. The only positive thing I can say about this film was that it was mercifully short (even then it felt overlong).

Halle realises this is the point where her career jumped the shark.

Is this the worst film ever made? No. But it's certainly the poorest piece of scum-sucking filth I've seen in a long time. The only way you can possibly cope with this film's awfulness is to get drunk with a bunch of mates and rip into it. Otherwise you're setting yourself up for some serious pain. It's not one of those "so-bad-it's-good" movies. It's one of those "dear God, life's too short for me to be watching this, what the hell is wrong with me, do I hate myself THIS much?" films.

Best bit
the trailers included with the DVD, or the moment you throw the disc across the room in a blaze of profanity

Iconic moment
are you KIDDING?

Worst bit
the whole film except for the end credits

Best line
sigh, if I must...I suppose there's that bit where Halle's crapping on about her death at the start..."If there had been an obituary, it would have described the unremarkable life of an unremarkable woman, survived by no one."

Best performance
hahahahaHAHAHA

MVP
certainly not the producers or the director for making this heap of shit - let's say YOU, the viewer, for putting up with this

What would have made this better
lots and lots, actually: a change of director, hire someone who can actually film an action scene; completely revamp the script to either make it MORE tongue-in-cheek and camp, or go the other way and make it grim and violent; redesign Catwoman's outfit; never, NEVER let Halle Berry purr; don't use cheap CGI, go with more practical effects; match Catwoman up with another superhero; snatch up every copy of this film and bury it in the earth so future generations won't have to suffer

What would have made this worse
um...if the producers stabbed you repeatedly in the chest and laughed while they forced you to watch their film over and over?

Companion film
the unbelievably superior Batman Returns

If you liked this...
you need drugs, lots of drugs, and you shouldn't be allowed to vote or drive a car

Pros
+ it's short

Cons
- poor acting
- even poorer direction
- an incredibly poor script
- confusing, badly directed action scenes
- howlingly lame lines and delivery
- no sense of pace, tension or thrills
- the Catwoman outfit is horrible
- unbelievably lame CGI
- not even camp or knowing enough to make fun of itself

Rating on the Ben Stiller/Mr Furious level of shithouse superheroes:

The Resident (2011)

Directed by Antti Jokinen
Starring Hilary Swank, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Christopher Lee, Lee Pace
Produced by Tobin Armbrust, Cary Brokaw, Guy East and Simon Oakes
Written by Antti Jokinen and Robert Orr
Music by John Ottman

In what's designed to give the biggest "MEH" reaction from the audience, The Resident is a generic, by-the-numbers stalker-thriller that brings nothing new at all to the genre. Were it not for some very nice cinematography and the lead performances, this would probably have self-combusted under its own mediocrity.

Look, I don't want to pretend that The Resident isn't unwatchable. In fact, it's quite watchable in the same way that an episode of The Amazing Race is watchable but you immediately forget what just happened the moment you finish watching it. The Resident's main problem is that it's a flatline of a film - there are no genuine scares, no genuine thrills, nothing but a middle-of-the-road viewing experience. It's not especially creepy either, which is probably its biggest failing.

The Resident is brought to you by Grade-A Coffee,
the brand of choice for beardy serial voyeurs!

Two-time Oscar winner Hilary Swank, in one of her latest failed attempts to break the mainstream market, is stalked by Jeffrey Dean Morgan who has the looks and charm of a hairy Brad Pitt but, for some unexplained reason, the deep, dark secrets of Anthony Perkins from Psycho. He's the landlord, so there's a little bit of sexual tension between him and his latest tenant, but that's soon ditched for a positively uninspired game of cat-and-mouse. Christopher Lee pops up in what is essentially an extended cameo, there's some stuff that happens and then other stuff, and something else, and the viewer promptly falls asleep.

Jeffrey Dean Morgan's new eye cologne didn't work as well as he'd hoped

What little positives The Resident manages to bring to the table are the excellent cinematography by Guillermo Del Toro cinematographer-of-choice Guillermo Navarro and various semi-gratuitous shots of Hilary Swank's extremely fit body. There are precious few other reasons to watch this unless you absolutely must watch everything that Jeffrey Dean Morgan appears in or you have some time to waste and absolutely everything else that was available to watch has summarily disappeared.

Best bit
the 'flashback' scene where we see Morgan's plan in motion

Iconic moment
absolutely not applicable here

Worst bit
the toothbrush scene - it's "worst" on many different levels

Best line
I honestly can't recall a single memorable line - next

Best performance
pick a name out of the hat: either Jeffrey Dean Morgan or Hilary Swank

MVP
I *suppose* Hilary Swank, because she exec-produced it as well...thanks

What would have made this better
either gone completely for the jugular and amped up the gore to Takashi Miike levels of insanity, or rejig the screenplay and make it truly creepy and unsettling -- oh, and hire another director

What would have made this worse
if the main roles were reversed...actually, scratch that, it would have made this AWESOME

Companion film
this has some similarities with Single White Female and even Sliver, though I couldn't imagine watching The Resident and Sliver back-to-back

If you liked this...
watch the original Psycho and ask yourself why you liked The Resident in the first place

Pros
+ there are a handful of decent scenes that play with the landlord-tenant sexual tension (which are unfortunately jettisoned early on)
+ very nice cinematography
+ Jeffrey Dean Morgan for the ladies, Hilary Swank's bits for the guys

Cons
- Christopher Lee is woefully underused
- quickly becomes a bog-standard thriller
- the script is bland and generic
- not scary, creepy or bloody enough to satisfy thriller or horror fans
- the boyfriend played by Lee Pace is as bland as a beige sponge
- some plot holes and "what the hell?" moments

Rating on the Anthony Perkins/Norman Bates level of perverted hotel proprieters:

Knightriders (1981)

Directed by George A Romero
Starring Ed Harris, Tom Savini, Gary Lahti, Amy Ingersoll, Patricia Tallman, Christine Forrest, John Amplas
Produced by Richard P Rubenstein
Written by George A Romero
Music by Donald Rubenstein

I must admit, I put off watching Knightriders for the longest time purely because of the front cover of the DVD. It doesn’t exactly inspire confidence that the material is anything but crap. But the film surprised the hell out of me, and I rank it as one of Romero’s best. It’s clear that this was a deeply personal film for him. Long story short, you have this bunch of stunt players who have established a sort of on-the-road bikie medieval community, with a King, Billy (Ed Harris), Queen, and (presumably) First Knight (Morgan, played by Romero’s gore-effects maestro Tom Savini). Instead of horses, they use motorcycles (less shit to clean up). They make ends meet by staging dangerous medieval tournaments, joust with motorcycles, perform jumps and other stunts, that sort of thing. However, as their financial problems worsen they are courted by big business who provide the means to finance their tournaments in exchange for a little cross-promotion.

"Yeah, see that fantasy troupe fan over there? I had her, and her sister too.
The chicks love the Black Knight get-up, Ed, I'm telling ya!"

It’s blindingly obvious, therefore, that Knightriders is Romero’s commentary on the movie industry and, in particular, how he fits in with it. Romero’s always preferred to make films on his own terms, even if that often means he winds up with limited budgets. His choice is pretty clear: stay independent and make the films you want, but work with the budget you can scrounge up. On the flipside, “sell-out” to the big studios as a director-for-hire, make films with virtually no restrictions in terms of resources, but have a set of demands imposed on him which often affect the quality of the outcome. Take the third and fourth zombie films in Romero's Dead series. Romero had an epic zombie movie envisaged for the third, Day, but ended up filming only a fraction of it due to the budgetary limitations; however, this meant he could keep the film unrated and not have to appease the notorious MPAA and their retarded demands. Had he opted for the studio-backing, he would have had to have slashed Day’s notoriously gory effects to gain a US R rating. For Land of the Dead, he got a larger budget with Universal’s backing, but had to make a bunch of cuts to meet an R rating for cinema release and made it a bit more commerically appealing, rather than mirror the grim and downbeat tone of Day.

Here, Romero’s saying that just as the characters in Knightriders have a choice between artistic integrity and compromising your vision for the sake of a few bucks, so too does virtually every artist, whether you’re in film, print, paint, whatever. Like the commentary he puts in some of his other films, it’s not exactly subtle, but it works.

Bernard was secretly envious about the superlative printing on  Ron's shield.

Beyond all that guff, however, the film is a real oddity, yes, but also extremely entertaining. It’s also surprisingly moving in parts, at least, as much as a film about men on bikes pretending to be knights can be. The opening scene is a bit weird and trippy, but get beyond that and you start really getting to know the characters, and you'll see a lot of familiar faces from other Romero films pop up. Harris is reliably solid as usual, and Savini is a blast playing a more reckless biker who wants to run things his own way.

The stunts are very well staged. Some of the stuff looks pretty dangerous, so kudos to the stuntmen. One issue I have is that the driving around and jumping and racing goes on for a bit too long. Knightriders could have benefitted from some tighter editing; at two-hours-plus it definitely strains the limitations of the material. However, when you take into account the sheer enthusiasm of the production and the quality of the material then you don't really mind. Ultimately, if you're in the mood for it, I found this to be one of Romero's stronger films. Definitely the oddest, but surprisingly too it's probably one that's the most emotionally resonant.

Best bit
Savini coming to terms with what he has to do for his corporate benefactors

Iconic moment
the memorable finale

Worst bit
the very start, complete with "vasoline lens" vision

Best line
"We're bigger now. Things are different. Christ, we've got an overhead."

Best performance
Ed Harris, of course, as reliable and sturdy as a really big frickin' rock

MVP
George Romero, for bringing this oddball vision to life

What would have made this better
some editing trims, ditch the offputting opening scene

What would have made this worse
if Romero ditched the bikes and focused on one of those pissweak medieval meets as shown in Role Models

Companion film
now that I mention it, Role Models would make a pretty neat double bill with this

If you liked this...
watch Martin for another excellent Romero film that isn't quite what you expect

Pros
+ a great cast, with Harris and Savini standouts
+ a terrific "family" vibe, both in front of the screen and behind it
+ some great stunts
+ both surprisingly entertaining and curiously emotional

Cons
- a bit too long in places
- the opening scene has to go
- for a lot of viewers, the very concept will put people off
- the front video and DVD cover is extremely offputting too

Rating on the Tom Savini/Sex Machine level of tough-guy biker cameos:

After.Life (2009)

Directed by Agnieszka Wojtowicz-Vosloo
Starring Christina Ricci, Liam Neeson, Justin Long
Written by Agnieszka Wojtowicz-Vosloo, Paul Vosloo and Jakub Korolczuk
Music by Paul Haslinger

Psychological thrillers, especially ones that deal with the afterlife (like The Sixth Sense) are tricky to get right. Tricky because there's a fine line they have to straddle between being true-to-life (so to speak) and completely daft. The Sixth Sense managed it through some strong performances, a grounding in as much reality as could be managed, and a strong script. After.Life only has one of these things (hint: it's the first).

Capably directed by Agnieszka Wojtowicz-Vosloo (how's that for a name, I thought that guy who directed The Tourist had a hell of a name!), it's an interesting look at what *might* happen in that brief doorway between life and death. Interesting in that it's a different take on the usual thriller fare, but unfortunately fails in the execution, and what we're left with is a fairly middling thriller. Plus, it seems to contradict itself (unless I've failed miserably to grasp what the director and screenwriters were trying for).

Christina Ricci's expression when informed her wardrobe
budget for the film was going to be slashed to $20

--- minor spoilers ahead ---

Ricci gets in a car accident, and winds up in a funeral home, and the film takes pains to hint that (a) she was dead to begin with and this is merely a transition to the "after life", and Neeson can talk to dead people or (b) she's on the verge of death and Neeson is a deranged nutter who is killing people. Unfortunately, though this is resolved by the film's end, it doesn't really make a whole lot of sense throughout. Some scenes strongly suggest, right from the outset, that Ricci is dead, or dying, or a ghost, or something. Then, later on, we get the sense that Neeson is the one who's lost his mind, not Ricci, and that she is alive all along. Or something.

--- end spoiler alert ---

Ultimately the script lets the film down, not the performances nor the direction nor anything else. Liam Neeson provides a creepy and effective performance as a possibly unhinged mortician. Christina Ricci, who suffers through the majority of the film either as a psychologically damaged character, nude, or both, grounds the film, and our sympathies, as she tries to work out what the hell is going on. Justin Long is probably the only weak link, acting-wise. He's not terrible by any means...he's just...himself. Maybe After.Life benefits from a second watch to see if everything makes sense (a'la Shutter Island) but, to be honest, I was somewhat underwhelmed by the entire experience and I don't think I could stomach a rewatch.

"I've got the latest script right here...I'm afraid it still doesn't make any sense."

The film is suitably atmospheric, there are some nice makeup effects throughout (apart from one "big" scene which has too much CGI crap) but ultimately this is a case of "nice concept, average execution", very much like a lot of M Night Shyamalan's work post-Sixth Sense. It's not scary or thrilling enough to truly work well, which means we have to rely on the script and performances to see us through, and not even Ricci and Neeson can save us in that respect.

Best bit
eh, hard to pick one - Ricci's car accident, perhaps?

Iconic moment
none, really

Worst bit
the cliched "walking down a corridor and the lights go out one by one" which seems to be completely out of place...unless I missed something

Best line
"You're a corpse; your opinion doesn't count anymore."

Best performance
Liam Neeson, just the right blend of creepy and oddly sympathetic

MVP
Christina Ricci, for at least giving it a go and acting in a challenging role that requires her to be 50% naked throughout the film

What would have made this better
a more satisfying resolution, replace Justin Long, remove the glaring continuity errors and actually make sure the damn thing MAKES SENSE

What would have made this worse
replace Christina Ricci with Kathy Bates

Companion film
for more life-near/after-death shenanigans, Flatliners

What to watch instead
probably The Sixth Sense

If you liked this...
try the very first Saw film if you want more of that "value life" lesson

Pros
+ Neeson and Ricci are very good and effectively keep the film on track
+ lots of nudity for the raincoat brigade
+ some good makeup FX
+ intriguing concept

Cons
- some illogical plot devices
- Justin Long is fairly weak in a pivotal role
- weak ending
- not enough gore for the gorehound, not enough chills for the thriller fan, not enough meat for the serious film buff

Rating on the Angus Scrimm/Tall Man level of creepy morticians: